I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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