it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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