Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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