Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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