I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize