i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
are you so shy because you have an std?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
