My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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