is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
why does every cop we meet know your name?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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