Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
