I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
