i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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