You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Of course I have a pirate flag
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
