We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
