all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
