Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
