What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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