if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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