Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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