M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
