You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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