So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
