I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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