mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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