I saw his package. It spoke to me.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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