Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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