I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
