if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize