He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
