Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
