In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
