He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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