...so i touched it.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize