my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize