hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
