i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
