did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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