"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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