Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
