Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
