I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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