This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
