sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
