I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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