You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
