If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
