Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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