I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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