saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
