I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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