you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
