someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
