If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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