hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
