I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
