It's like God shit irony all over that family
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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