update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
