I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
