Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
