dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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