Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
