well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Randomize
