Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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