I've blown a few things in my day
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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