my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
