when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
