When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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