He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
