There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
