I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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